Afrosays to me

…random excerpts from my communions with the AfroMuse

Time. Again. June 7, 2011

Filed under: Abstract — Betty @ 8:23 am
Tags: ,

Solemn sounds emitting from this gong. Pitches of immortal anguish plaguing the soul. Listen..
RegretfulBetty

... Time... Again...

The clock doesn’t tick anymore. Its tick-tock no longer mocks me.

Maybe I can sleep now.

I threw it against the wall. Hard. The batteries fell out. It’s face cracked. The broken clock.

Silence. Ahhhh…

The loud silence resounding through this empty house. It amplified the quiet in my head.

But it didn’t last. Tick. Tock.

I looked about wildly. No clocks in sight. What ticks? What tocks?

Tick.. Aaargh! The regret and shame welling through my being.

Tock.. The unconfessed, unforgiven sin you’ll never know.

Is..Is that my heart? No.

Noooooo! I let the scream wrench from my chest.

I took in deep breaths. Willing it to quiet down. Willing it stop ticking. But it won’t.

It’s loud. This ticking. This tocking. Because it comes from inside. I can’t take out the batteries… Can I?

Can I?

I can see you. I still see your reflection in my eyes.

But if I end it, the pain will end. I don’t deserve to be free of pain. There’s no healing in this pain.

I deserve to rot in pain. Writhe and languish in this den of torture that I have built for myself.

Why did I do it? I don’t know. I can’t explain it away. Can’t justify it. That’s part of the pain.

And when I had sated the pleasures of my body, the hole in my soul still remained. Only you could fill that. But that was when the call came. After I had had my epiphany. That you were it. They said you were gone. Gone?

No. I want you to have been here when I got home. To have asked you to forgive me. To have watched you cry and curse at me. To have told you there could only be you.

But you were gone. Are gone.

I’m a broken man. But it’s your time that is over.

But that’s all I have. Time. Time is all I have.

Time. Without you.

Just time. Endless time.

And this tick-tocking heart will always mock me. Until my time ends.. But every second seems like an eternity.

Tick. Tock.

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